From one nightmare to the next...

It's been quite a while since I've been on here. I was doing pretty well for a little bit because I put the Blogger app on my phone, but I just haven't been in the mood to write I guess. Although I probably should've just forced myself to do so...maybe it would have been therapeutic and I wouldn't get so moody sometimes.

Grandma Shirley passed away last week and it tugs on my heart strings throughout the day. Mainly because she never got the chance to meet Lily. She would have loved to play with her, but at least now she's watching over Lily and she can be with her husband. The funeral was just after Easter and I was very anxious about going because I was sure my grandfather would be there since he and Shirley had known each other for forty something years. Easter weekend my grandfather showed up at my parents house and he and dad got into a yelling match. I have never heard either of them like that, it was pretty upsetting. But we didn't let it ruin the day completely. Lily is pretty good at making me forget about the bad bits of everyday, all she has to do is smile and everything is put into perspective in that moment.

Thankfully my grandfather didn't end up going to the funeral, but apparently made a scene at the viewing the night before. I was on edge the entire time we were at the funeral home. When the door opened I'm pretty sure my heart would stop until I saw that it wasn't him. I love him, but I don't know that I will ever be able to get over the things he has said. I mean really, who says their own granddaughter is a demon or possessed? And it's not like he only told one person, he talked to the entire family about it. Even writing this I feel emotional. When I was younger he was around a lot, it was like he was trying to make up for all the wrongs he had done in his life. I felt his love, even when there wasn't much to talk about. That is no longer the case. At the same time though, he has had a lot of changes in his life in the last year and we are a little worried about his mental health. If he's sick do I just forget about all the hurt? How do we even find out if he's sick? Where do we go from there if there is something wrong? My aunt seems to think it is not our responsibility, but if not ours than whos?

This is why I'm not getting sleep, even after Lily goes to bed. I have too many unanswered questions. I lay in bed running scenarios, questions, wishes, prayers, etc running through my mind. I try to focus on my breathing or sing a song in my head to get my mind off the subject, but somehow I veer back. By the time I have drained myself emotionally to the point of finally falling asleep Lily usually wakes up. It's become an awesome cycle, not! I think once I can get some closure on the whole thing I will finally be ok, but for now I can't see that happening in the near future. I just have to focus on making my family happy, and the rest will come in time.

maybe it's nothing...

I've been putting off visiting the doctor for fear of finding out something is wrong, but I'm starting think I really need to go. It's really ridiculous how all the symptoms I have lead to a ton of different things...menstrual cycle, pregnancy, cysts, cancer, stress...Won't be able to narrow it down without more blood tests and exams, oh joy.

What a busy baby!

So yesterday was nice. I took Lily to Palm Avenue to meet my elementary teachers. She did so well! We went into Ms Feenstra's class first. The kids went crazy! They were so excited to see her. They all crowded around her and asked question after question. The entire time she just smiled and giggled taking it all in. I was amazed she didn't cry once! There were four other classes we went into and she was the same in all of them.

Being back at Palm got me thinking about the future again. When I first wanted to go into teaching I wanted to teach at Palm. I had put that idea out of my head long ago, but being back there it's kinda like being home. Just like with OLA, I had sworn I wasn't going back to that church but that is where I am currently going. Home always seems to suck you back in. Maybe it's just more about familiarity.

Anyways, after visiting the school we went to visit my old neighbors the Sams. They were my adopted grandparents for many many years so I was excited to show off Lily and catch up. Apparently, they've tried buying my old house but there is no listing for it. It has been sitting there empty for over a year now, maybe even two. The people that bought it from my parents just walked away. Since there is no listing though how is anyone supposed to buy it and take care of it? I think that I should just move in there...squatting laws apply right :P If I just live there for like 5 years without getting kicked out it'll be mine! haha I wish!

We got home about noon, Lily ate and then napped for two and a half hours. I was able to get a little homework and housework done which was nice. Then Alyssa came over and we watched Grey's :)

Last night Lily wasn't being on sleeping, yet again big surprise. But today she has been a great napper! She fell asleep in the swing at nine and didn't wake up til 11:30. She was so happy after that. She had lots of tummy time, I even got a video of her rolling over! Now She's back in bed and giving me time to do some writing.

And she's up

I thought for sure Lily would stay asleep since she only took one nap today. But sure enough we are up, for the fourth time since she went down at 7. I wish I knew what she wanted.

Mommy doesn't feel great is not in her vocabulary.

I've fallen slightly behind on this blogging business

My school work got a little crazy because it's almost the last week of class so it trumped my blogging time. I did get the Blogger app on my phone though so it's always at my fingertips :)

The last week has been crazy busy, or at least it seems like it now. We had a Sounders viewing party at the house, with a few more people than the week before. I was so worried I wasn't going to have enough food! I made this concoction that I am now calling potato nachos (potatoes, taco seasoned ground beef, and cheese) which seemed to be a big hit, baked ravioli, quesadillas, and sandwiches...I guess it was quite a bit of food. I also made cake balls, my first attempt!!! They turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. I used strawberry cake mix and chocolate butter frosting with some coconut flakes added rolled in sugar, instead of candy coating. They flew of the table in comparison to the other desserts.

Jeanette and Jared's parents stayed the weekend with us. I was good to see them all. And Lily didn't get too cranky with anyone, I think she's getting better about seeing other people now. Her sleeping schedule is not getting better though. She was doing so well for a while only waking up once or twice a night. But it seems like since she got sick with that crazy cough of hers everything is up in arms! She's waking up every hour or two, which means so am I. Some people say let her cry, but I'm just not comfortable with that. I can't sleep through her crying, and I really don't want her to wake up Jared. I want him to get as much sleep as possible since he's the one getting up in the morning going to work and school. Up until about midnight I can usually

just pick Lily up, pat her back and she'll go right back to sleep. But after midnight she won't go back to sleep without nursing, and then she'll only stay asleep as long as she feels skin. So from midnight or 1 I move out on to the couch with her, sleep for a couple hours then its up for the day at around 5 or 6. Sometimes she'll go back to sleep with me for an hour, which keeps me slightly more sane. I've started a journal for her, keeping track of when she is sleeping and eating...hopefully I can find a pattern and it will help me to get her on a better schedule. We will see though.

I've been feeling crazy old lately! I just saw on Facebook that Lani just turned 7! I remember when Jessi was preggers with her! Lily is sitting up on her own now, starting to roll over and scoot on the floor. It's only a matter of time before she is walking, talking, and turning 7 too! I guess I'm feeling old too because my birthday is just around the corner. 24, When did that happen?! I had a plan of where I'd be at 24 in high school...I am far from that plan, but everything happens for a reason. At this point I'm struggling with future plans. I don't know if it is just because I don't want to get any older, or because I don't want to move on, maybe it's just fear of not following my plans again. Oh well, just gotta keep moving forward and not living in the past.

I made it to the end of the day with a smile on my face. Lily has been in bed since 830, so far so good. Hopefully she sleeps for at least another couple hours, rest is good and probably what I need. Tomorrows agenda...laundry...even though I swear I just did it :P... homework, cake balls, get the house ready for Friday, and maybe see Alyssa in the afternoon :) Dreaming of happy things and good moods!