From one nightmare to the next...

It's been quite a while since I've been on here. I was doing pretty well for a little bit because I put the Blogger app on my phone, but I just haven't been in the mood to write I guess. Although I probably should've just forced myself to do so...maybe it would have been therapeutic and I wouldn't get so moody sometimes.

Grandma Shirley passed away last week and it tugs on my heart strings throughout the day. Mainly because she never got the chance to meet Lily. She would have loved to play with her, but at least now she's watching over Lily and she can be with her husband. The funeral was just after Easter and I was very anxious about going because I was sure my grandfather would be there since he and Shirley had known each other for forty something years. Easter weekend my grandfather showed up at my parents house and he and dad got into a yelling match. I have never heard either of them like that, it was pretty upsetting. But we didn't let it ruin the day completely. Lily is pretty good at making me forget about the bad bits of everyday, all she has to do is smile and everything is put into perspective in that moment.

Thankfully my grandfather didn't end up going to the funeral, but apparently made a scene at the viewing the night before. I was on edge the entire time we were at the funeral home. When the door opened I'm pretty sure my heart would stop until I saw that it wasn't him. I love him, but I don't know that I will ever be able to get over the things he has said. I mean really, who says their own granddaughter is a demon or possessed? And it's not like he only told one person, he talked to the entire family about it. Even writing this I feel emotional. When I was younger he was around a lot, it was like he was trying to make up for all the wrongs he had done in his life. I felt his love, even when there wasn't much to talk about. That is no longer the case. At the same time though, he has had a lot of changes in his life in the last year and we are a little worried about his mental health. If he's sick do I just forget about all the hurt? How do we even find out if he's sick? Where do we go from there if there is something wrong? My aunt seems to think it is not our responsibility, but if not ours than whos?

This is why I'm not getting sleep, even after Lily goes to bed. I have too many unanswered questions. I lay in bed running scenarios, questions, wishes, prayers, etc running through my mind. I try to focus on my breathing or sing a song in my head to get my mind off the subject, but somehow I veer back. By the time I have drained myself emotionally to the point of finally falling asleep Lily usually wakes up. It's become an awesome cycle, not! I think once I can get some closure on the whole thing I will finally be ok, but for now I can't see that happening in the near future. I just have to focus on making my family happy, and the rest will come in time.