Family

Because of some heart wrenching news I've been thinking a lot about family today...what it is and how lucky I am to experience it the way that I do. Family is about the bonds that are built with those people who love and care for you, and those you love and care for. Family is not always made up of those who share the same genes. No matter what changes in your life your family is the one constant you can count on. A family I know is facing a possibility of being separated because the law doesn't see things the same way I do. You aren't blood, you aren't family. I am really hoping that's not the final answer.

A few random thoughts to get back into blogging

This post is just a few random thoughts to get me back into blogging...Thanks to a lovely friend who sent me a nudging text without knowing it.

So, last night I was super excited to get a text message with a picture of the book 101 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married...with the message "can you tell who reads your blog." I am so happy to know that the random things I share on here make a difference one way or another to more than just me. It really is a great book and I highly recommend it. Her and I are reading it differently. She's actually reading it from beginning to end. I on the other hand read the list at the beginning and pick out different numbers from there to read.

Also, Little Miss Lil' is starting to use words! Real ones. Today she handed me her bottle and said "done." I know that it excites me more than it will excite most others, but that's okay...I'm a mom now that's my job :P I really think her list will be at twenty words by the end of February. Right now she says, "du" for duck, "ish" for fish, "da" for dad, the other day she said bottle. She also says truck and "tito" for tickle. I'm still waiting to hear "mom" or "mama" :)

It's a good thing that these little things have been occupying some space in my mind because I've noticed that my positive thinking streak has slowed down. The more negativity I let in the harder it is to be positive. It is extremely interesting to me how much work it is to be positive and how much work it isn't to let one negative thought turn into ten. I had a teacher in high school who said as long as you use a word three times it is yours. Meaning you will then hold an understanding of that word. I wonder if the same is true for thoughts. Maybe if I only write about the good, happy, positive things that I'm going through those will stick and the negative will slowly fall away again. Hmmm, it's something to think about I guess.

Waiting...

For a completely perfect and joyful holiday season. It.can happen one year right? It's strange to me how every year lol clockwork at least one major life changing experience takes place and manifests itself negatively in my heart as well as many of those around me. Finding the new positive, happy person within myself has been a chore. Continuing to be that person when so many of the people closest to me are hurting. I try to be a "fixer" and these are things I have no control over.

My wish for those of you hurting is peace of mind and strength of soul. I hope the holidays and family togetherness eases your pains and troubles.

Thoughts before finally, hopefully falling asleep

Although I am enjoying my time in oceanside, I am missing some of the most odd things...Cooking dinner, picking up toys all over the house, and hiding away in my bedroom with Lily. I definitely don't miss laundry or dishes though,they came with me :P
It's strange, the longer I'm away the harder it is to fall asleep. There is no separation of blankets, no fan blocking out every sound, no documentaries before bed. It really is the little things that make all the difference in life.

A filler post?

Lily and I are spending some time in Oceanside this week. It's nice being with my family, I have missed them so much. My goal was to come down and finish my Christmas crafts, presents, and baking. So far I have finished part of my baking and not much else. That's okay though because I have gotten to see my family and a few friends. There is really only one person I haven't seen yet that I am dying to see, but depending on how today went I'm not sure I will get to.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for my new "positive" attitude. Harry was supposed to come home from the hospital tonight, but I'm still not sure that has happened...kinda hoping it hasn't. Tomorrow will start with mass for Uncle Raymond followed by a trip to the cemetery with Grams. Part of me is trying to prepare now, but the other part of me thinks I should just let whatever happens happen. It's kinda difficult for me though.

Looks like it's time for neosporin

I have this book I read pieces of every once in a while called 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married. It's a really good read, at least for me. I find I learn something about myself or some way to better myself every time I pick it up.

#21...If you can't be happy without your partner, you won't be happy together.

"When we take responsibility for healing the unloved places within ourselves by accepting and internalizing our partner's love, true healing and happiness begins. Paradoxically, though we may not become truly happy without someone else's love, their love alone is not enough to fulfill us. What their love can do is ignite the spark of self-love buried deep in our hearts so that we can recognize, feed, and nurture it until it becomes a roaring fire that ultimately burns up the shame, insecurity, anger, and pain that have been the source of our unhappiness."

It's amazing to think about all the times I have made it out to be someone else's fault I was hurt or unhappy, when in reality there was something deeper within me that caused the pain. I personally go through cycles of taking care of myself and my happiness. I know that when I do remember that my voids are my own and nobody else's to fill, mend, and patch I usually enjoy my days more and find myself in a better place. It isn't anyone's responsibility to make me happy. It's mine to take charge of my journey.

One thing I seem to forget when I go through these cycles though is that happiness is not a race. I cannot heal every wound, fill every void at once. It's okay to take it one step at a time and not throw myself into a million things. This is actually probably the reason I go through cycles instead of finding a steady road to travel. I take too much on at once thinking it will bring happiness then get burnt out and frustrated that after all my work nothing has changed. The reason being, I hadn't actually fixed anything. I was putting band aids over my cuts without neosporin...leaving scar tissue instead of smooth skin. Now it's time to reopen old wounds and use the neosporin to create a smooth surface.

The first step to taking charge of my happiness has been actively paying attention to my outlook and attitude. The second has been blogging again, writing out my thoughts has always seemed to help me focus and hold myself accountable. Hopefully I can break the cycle this time and learn how to create a lasting happiness within myself.

Don't call it a day just because the road's blocked

Been awake for the last couple hours and super tired. It seems that once Lily wakes up in the middle of the night she can't sleep well without me. Well, as much as I love her, and love holding her once she's in my arms I cannot sleep. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept longer than 4 or 5 hours at a time. It has for sure taken a toll on me. The last two nights have been particularly difficult, late nights and up by four. I can feel my body slowly hating me and my patients thinning. All of this is creating a bit of a nervousness for this job interview on friday. I'm worried about being able to take care of my family and household while working full time and running off of a couple hours of sleep. Another fear is that I won't have time to finish my last couple classes. It has been hard enough to find time for school without a full time job. Trying to weigh the pros and cons is not always easy.