BAKING!!!

If you know me, you probably know I LOVE to bake...especially the decorating part. Lately I've been doing more and more, and I am super excited about it. For Christmas I was spoiled with stuff for the kitchen...a babycakes mini cupcake maker (which also does mini pies), a mini donut maker, a pancake maker, a sandwich maker, and a Cake Cricut. I think I've used the donut maker the most but between that and the cupcake maker there are almost always goodies in the house now. Just last week I got the chance to make Sadie's birthday cake and used the Cake Cricut for part of it. It's gonna take a bit more practice, but by Lily's 3rd birthday I think I will be making some pretty awesome cakes and whatnot :)

Here's a picture of the guiness cupcakes with whiskey frosting and Jenga tower I made for TJ's Birthday. As well as the cake I made for Sadie's birthday. It was made of two layers of banana cake with chocolate sandwiched in between with fudge and a honey-cinnamon frosting. It was pretty yummy.

Crazy Coupon Lady

So the other day i caught myself watching and admiring the extreme couponers...because, let's face it who wouldn't like to turn a $500 shopping trip into $25. As a SAHM i feel like part of my job is to save as much money as possible. Part of that means I spend some time clipping coupons and looking at ads. Once I even moved our shopping trip to WalMart and did price matching. We saved a bit of money that way, but not enough to make me want to do it all the time. I've decided it's better for me to become an organized couponer than an extreme one so....I started a filing system and spreadsheet. Maybe I am the crazy one that way, but at least before the grocery trip I can look at my spread sheet with expiration dates and savings at my fingertips.

Family

Because of some heart wrenching news I've been thinking a lot about family today...what it is and how lucky I am to experience it the way that I do. Family is about the bonds that are built with those people who love and care for you, and those you love and care for. Family is not always made up of those who share the same genes. No matter what changes in your life your family is the one constant you can count on. A family I know is facing a possibility of being separated because the law doesn't see things the same way I do. You aren't blood, you aren't family. I am really hoping that's not the final answer.

A few random thoughts to get back into blogging

This post is just a few random thoughts to get me back into blogging...Thanks to a lovely friend who sent me a nudging text without knowing it.

So, last night I was super excited to get a text message with a picture of the book 101 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married...with the message "can you tell who reads your blog." I am so happy to know that the random things I share on here make a difference one way or another to more than just me. It really is a great book and I highly recommend it. Her and I are reading it differently. She's actually reading it from beginning to end. I on the other hand read the list at the beginning and pick out different numbers from there to read.

Also, Little Miss Lil' is starting to use words! Real ones. Today she handed me her bottle and said "done." I know that it excites me more than it will excite most others, but that's okay...I'm a mom now that's my job :P I really think her list will be at twenty words by the end of February. Right now she says, "du" for duck, "ish" for fish, "da" for dad, the other day she said bottle. She also says truck and "tito" for tickle. I'm still waiting to hear "mom" or "mama" :)

It's a good thing that these little things have been occupying some space in my mind because I've noticed that my positive thinking streak has slowed down. The more negativity I let in the harder it is to be positive. It is extremely interesting to me how much work it is to be positive and how much work it isn't to let one negative thought turn into ten. I had a teacher in high school who said as long as you use a word three times it is yours. Meaning you will then hold an understanding of that word. I wonder if the same is true for thoughts. Maybe if I only write about the good, happy, positive things that I'm going through those will stick and the negative will slowly fall away again. Hmmm, it's something to think about I guess.

Waiting...

For a completely perfect and joyful holiday season. It.can happen one year right? It's strange to me how every year lol clockwork at least one major life changing experience takes place and manifests itself negatively in my heart as well as many of those around me. Finding the new positive, happy person within myself has been a chore. Continuing to be that person when so many of the people closest to me are hurting. I try to be a "fixer" and these are things I have no control over.

My wish for those of you hurting is peace of mind and strength of soul. I hope the holidays and family togetherness eases your pains and troubles.

Thoughts before finally, hopefully falling asleep

Although I am enjoying my time in oceanside, I am missing some of the most odd things...Cooking dinner, picking up toys all over the house, and hiding away in my bedroom with Lily. I definitely don't miss laundry or dishes though,they came with me :P
It's strange, the longer I'm away the harder it is to fall asleep. There is no separation of blankets, no fan blocking out every sound, no documentaries before bed. It really is the little things that make all the difference in life.

A filler post?

Lily and I are spending some time in Oceanside this week. It's nice being with my family, I have missed them so much. My goal was to come down and finish my Christmas crafts, presents, and baking. So far I have finished part of my baking and not much else. That's okay though because I have gotten to see my family and a few friends. There is really only one person I haven't seen yet that I am dying to see, but depending on how today went I'm not sure I will get to.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for my new "positive" attitude. Harry was supposed to come home from the hospital tonight, but I'm still not sure that has happened...kinda hoping it hasn't. Tomorrow will start with mass for Uncle Raymond followed by a trip to the cemetery with Grams. Part of me is trying to prepare now, but the other part of me thinks I should just let whatever happens happen. It's kinda difficult for me though.

Looks like it's time for neosporin

I have this book I read pieces of every once in a while called 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married. It's a really good read, at least for me. I find I learn something about myself or some way to better myself every time I pick it up.

#21...If you can't be happy without your partner, you won't be happy together.

"When we take responsibility for healing the unloved places within ourselves by accepting and internalizing our partner's love, true healing and happiness begins. Paradoxically, though we may not become truly happy without someone else's love, their love alone is not enough to fulfill us. What their love can do is ignite the spark of self-love buried deep in our hearts so that we can recognize, feed, and nurture it until it becomes a roaring fire that ultimately burns up the shame, insecurity, anger, and pain that have been the source of our unhappiness."

It's amazing to think about all the times I have made it out to be someone else's fault I was hurt or unhappy, when in reality there was something deeper within me that caused the pain. I personally go through cycles of taking care of myself and my happiness. I know that when I do remember that my voids are my own and nobody else's to fill, mend, and patch I usually enjoy my days more and find myself in a better place. It isn't anyone's responsibility to make me happy. It's mine to take charge of my journey.

One thing I seem to forget when I go through these cycles though is that happiness is not a race. I cannot heal every wound, fill every void at once. It's okay to take it one step at a time and not throw myself into a million things. This is actually probably the reason I go through cycles instead of finding a steady road to travel. I take too much on at once thinking it will bring happiness then get burnt out and frustrated that after all my work nothing has changed. The reason being, I hadn't actually fixed anything. I was putting band aids over my cuts without neosporin...leaving scar tissue instead of smooth skin. Now it's time to reopen old wounds and use the neosporin to create a smooth surface.

The first step to taking charge of my happiness has been actively paying attention to my outlook and attitude. The second has been blogging again, writing out my thoughts has always seemed to help me focus and hold myself accountable. Hopefully I can break the cycle this time and learn how to create a lasting happiness within myself.

Don't call it a day just because the road's blocked

Been awake for the last couple hours and super tired. It seems that once Lily wakes up in the middle of the night she can't sleep well without me. Well, as much as I love her, and love holding her once she's in my arms I cannot sleep. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept longer than 4 or 5 hours at a time. It has for sure taken a toll on me. The last two nights have been particularly difficult, late nights and up by four. I can feel my body slowly hating me and my patients thinning. All of this is creating a bit of a nervousness for this job interview on friday. I'm worried about being able to take care of my family and household while working full time and running off of a couple hours of sleep. Another fear is that I won't have time to finish my last couple classes. It has been hard enough to find time for school without a full time job. Trying to weigh the pros and cons is not always easy.

The sun will shine again

I've decided to use my new found fuel to get organized again. I'm making plans for the day, the week, the month...eventually I will be able to plan six months down the road and later on a year or more. Although planning sometimes makes time go faster it eases my mind and relaxes me. Like I've said before I can only take control over my decisions and actions...so that is what I am doing. I am finishing the Christmas gifts by next Tuesday. I am not going to worry about Wednesday's doctor's appointment. I am going to enjoy my morning with Grace and Lily thursday. I am not going to over analyze what others say or do. I will open up most of me to those around me, but I will not nag or beg them to be part of my life. They can make their own choices. There are choices I'd like to share, but will wait until I am ready to take that step.

I have a phone interview Friday for a visual assistant manager position. I've kept it to myself because I don't want to get my hopes up, or anyone elses for that matter. I know that there are a lot of people applying for jobs these days, and it's been a while since I've been in the field. It would be a nice position, offer a better financial situation. It's full time so I'd be away from Lily, a lot. That's not exactly ideal for me, but it is what it is and I am looking at things in a positive light now right?

Hopefully I will still have time to write. I've started my book. It'll take sometime to finish, but it's coming along nicely. I'd really like to publish it one day, share what I've learned with others.

I'll be the candle and you be the flame

I had a dream last night that tore me to pieces inside. I had let the stresses of life get the better of me and didn't fight for what I wanted. I let it all go, giving in to what I thought was what you wanted. It was one of the hardest things I've gone through, and it was only a dream.

I've been on a lyric kick recently. I hear something and think, wow that really speaks to me in this way. One of my songs this morning was Don't Go by Jake Coco. There are two lines I can't get out of my head. The first is the title of today's post, "I'll be the candle and you be the flame." I thought this line was beautiful. I will be here to help you shine when you are ready. The meaning for me is a bit deeper, for now though this is sufficient. The other line is, "They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone"...all I could think of was, I'm not willing to wait that long. I need to know and appreciate what I have now, not later. You never know what will happen today, let alone tomorrow, or five years down the road.

"One day" isn't my favorite. I like to have plans for the future. I like to know where I am looking. But for now "one day," is what I have and what I am choosing to look towards.

"The world wont ever change if you only stay the same"

Some decisions we make in life are for the better and others are not. They all have at least two things in common though. First of all, we are the ones ultimately making the decision giving us some control over what happens. Secondly, all the choices made over the years lead us down our life's journey. Sometimes I look at some of the choices I have made and wonder "Why didn't I think that through with a little more logic." But in reality I did what I thought would be most beneficial at the time. There is no way I could have know where it would take me later on in life.

The only reason these thoughts have come to mind in the last few days is because I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. That doesn't mean I am unhappy with where I am. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who I have been able to be a SAHM to for the last year. I have a boyfriend who has provided financial stability which has made it possible for me to stay at home with our daughter. I am only a handful of classes away from my bachelor's. Like I said, I am not unhappy with where I am...just ready to make some choices that will bring me closer to the plans I have had for myself.

I've always gone back and forth with realizing I have to include Him in my decision making...sometimes I just want to do it all on my own.

"The world wont ever change if you only stay the same"...Jake Coco, I'd Give You The Moon...my song of the moment. well, one of a few anyways.

Been a while...

A lot has happened since I last posted, but there is no way I will get you all caught up! So in short, we had an amazing vacation in Washington and Idaho! It was so good to see everyone, I really wish there was a way to split our time half and half between here and there. I had a bit of a break from school and now I have started back up, and it is attacking me with a vengeance! At least it's material that I like though. I'm taking Infant/Toddler. Last week we focused on classroom set up, this week is about material and curriculum, and throughout the entire course we are discussing how early education is approached in other countries.

Wednesdays are Jared's long days...which translate into my long days...so Bridget came by and took Lily for a run so I could get some reading done. We've decided this will be a weekly thing because we get our time together before she and Matt head to NC. Her and I traveled down memory lane for a while today...more my memories than hers, but she got to know a person she didn't get a chance to meet :) It's good to know he's still looking out for all of us...even those who are new to the group. I've been thinking a lot lately about where Forrest would be today, wondering if he's looking down smiling at where the rest of us are, hoping he really is a silent partner in our daily lives. I haven't been in a while and think it might be time for a visit to the creek.

Tired and lazy on a Friday night

So far today has been pretty relaxing. I finally did the dishes and started the laundry but that's about it. Lily wasn't a very good napper at all today so I'm letting her sleep on the couch. After she wakes up I'm looking forward to going to Alfred's house to see him before he heads back to Oklahoma tomorrow. Grandma Angie will finally be able to meet Lily! Kinda crazy it will be before even Grandma Jeni meets her, but I'm sure we will see her soon enough. :)

I could have sworn the end had come.damaged goods

I'm tired of you haunting my dreams. I hadn't had any in quite a while, but tonight it was more than apparent that you are still in there waiting to prey on my tired mind and soul. Before they were reenactments, I knew what was coming next. Tonight I had no such luck. It seemed I closed my eyes only to open them up right away to your face at my front door. I wasn't sure how you knew where I lived, but there you were with a smile on your face expecting me to invite you in. After politely asking you to leave and getting no response I knew it was time to let you have it and tell you exactly what I thought of you. I stepped outside, just as I had done years before...only this time it wasn't because I was scared and alone, it was because I was angry and filled with adrenalin. Each step I took built up more anger to be released in me, but in you all I saw was satisfaction. You were winning but I couldn't help it. I needed you to know what it was that you really did to me. I yelled at you for being the reason for my nightmares. I told you how much you have ruined my life. You are the cause for the pain inside; emotional, spiritual, and now physical. You are the reason I have gotten the worst news of my life...i don't care how treatable they say it is, this will still forever change me. I am now damaged goods, moreso than before. at least before therapy helped, now what i can't talk my way out of this no matter how hard i try.

Poolside

What a lovely day. Lily and I spent the day in the pool at the Maust household. It was so nice. The heat wasn't even noticeable. Lily absolutely loves the water!!!! I kept taking her out because she was getting all wrinkly but she would walk be back to the water to get in. She was so cute hanging out in her floatie. Soph was even funnier! She kept holding on to lily and dragging her around saying, i got this lily don't worry. I am so glad we have friends with pools! it will def make the summer more fun and tolerable.