Thank you Google!

So, I've been putting together meal plans for about a week or two at a time. It's been a help when going to the grocery store. I have an idea of everything I will need and don't have to make random trips to the store for odd things. Even though meal planning makes the trip to the store easier I don't hardly stick to it. Thanks to Google calendars though I moved my meal plan from One Note to a calendar and I can see it on my phone or computer. It also makes it easy to share with Gracie :) She and I have been talking for a while about helping each other with dinners...now we can actually do it! Not only will it keep track of the meal itself, but the recipe can go in the description section and bam you've got it forever!

Worst feeling ever!

It's 3am and I've been up with Lily since 1:30. Before that she woke up at 12 after barely going to bed at 11. At the moment I am listening to her cry in her crib from the couch with tears in my own eyes. This was attempt 3 at laying her down and I just don't know what else to do. She sleeps great while in my arms, but as soon as I lay her down she wakes up crying. I'm completely exhausted and don't know how much more sleep I can go without. I have always been against the cry it out method, but I'm willing to try at this point...although, Lily is just hysterical in her room right now, I'll probably only last another minute.

SuperMommy...I wish

Haha so much for keeping up on my blogging :P

Today is crazy! I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. I am trying to finish up a super boring paper, keep the house clean...which is not working out so well...take care of Lily and myself. Oye some days I wish I was super woman, but today I just have to accept that I am not and rest a little so that maybe I can be super woman tomorrow.

What will tomorrow bring?

I tell myself over and over that I am going to keep up this blogging business, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I get distracted with other things going on, taking care of lily, sleeping, homework...the basics. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the future. It scares me a little, ok a lot, that I am unsure of where I will be next year, let alone in 5 years down the road. I've always had this plan of how things will go, and although I veer off the path from time to time at least there is a plan. For now I'm living in San Bernardino, raising Lily, and doing online classes. I can't see much farther down the road than maybe a month or two, and honestly I'm not a big fan. I want more, and I think I deserve to let myself desire more, but at the same time I feel like I should be happy with the present...which I am, don't get me wrong.

Meeting up with Gracie last night was nice. I hadn't talk to her in a while and being able to talk to her about the future, and how she's kinda there too was a bit of a relief. I guess even after you have your house, marriage, and career you still wonder what comes next. Just gotta have faith.

On another note, I've been enjoying planning Lily's baptism reception. I love putting favors, decorations, and food together. Sometimes I really think I should have just stuck with event planning. I know it would take up weekends and summers, but I really love putting colors and themes together...I especially take pride in the end result. Maybe I can be one of those crazy Blogger moms that actually makes money blogging and I can do it all on event planning somehow, or start some kind of event planning gig with Alyssa and Grace like we talked about so much? Decisions, decisions.

Well, I'm off to bed. Lily's been asleep for almost an hour which means I probably have an hour before she's up again :P

Hopefully I can get to sleep in my empty bed. It's always so strange when Jared's gone.

From one nightmare to the next...

It's been quite a while since I've been on here. I was doing pretty well for a little bit because I put the Blogger app on my phone, but I just haven't been in the mood to write I guess. Although I probably should've just forced myself to do so...maybe it would have been therapeutic and I wouldn't get so moody sometimes.

Grandma Shirley passed away last week and it tugs on my heart strings throughout the day. Mainly because she never got the chance to meet Lily. She would have loved to play with her, but at least now she's watching over Lily and she can be with her husband. The funeral was just after Easter and I was very anxious about going because I was sure my grandfather would be there since he and Shirley had known each other for forty something years. Easter weekend my grandfather showed up at my parents house and he and dad got into a yelling match. I have never heard either of them like that, it was pretty upsetting. But we didn't let it ruin the day completely. Lily is pretty good at making me forget about the bad bits of everyday, all she has to do is smile and everything is put into perspective in that moment.

Thankfully my grandfather didn't end up going to the funeral, but apparently made a scene at the viewing the night before. I was on edge the entire time we were at the funeral home. When the door opened I'm pretty sure my heart would stop until I saw that it wasn't him. I love him, but I don't know that I will ever be able to get over the things he has said. I mean really, who says their own granddaughter is a demon or possessed? And it's not like he only told one person, he talked to the entire family about it. Even writing this I feel emotional. When I was younger he was around a lot, it was like he was trying to make up for all the wrongs he had done in his life. I felt his love, even when there wasn't much to talk about. That is no longer the case. At the same time though, he has had a lot of changes in his life in the last year and we are a little worried about his mental health. If he's sick do I just forget about all the hurt? How do we even find out if he's sick? Where do we go from there if there is something wrong? My aunt seems to think it is not our responsibility, but if not ours than whos?

This is why I'm not getting sleep, even after Lily goes to bed. I have too many unanswered questions. I lay in bed running scenarios, questions, wishes, prayers, etc running through my mind. I try to focus on my breathing or sing a song in my head to get my mind off the subject, but somehow I veer back. By the time I have drained myself emotionally to the point of finally falling asleep Lily usually wakes up. It's become an awesome cycle, not! I think once I can get some closure on the whole thing I will finally be ok, but for now I can't see that happening in the near future. I just have to focus on making my family happy, and the rest will come in time.

maybe it's nothing...

I've been putting off visiting the doctor for fear of finding out something is wrong, but I'm starting think I really need to go. It's really ridiculous how all the symptoms I have lead to a ton of different things...menstrual cycle, pregnancy, cysts, cancer, stress...Won't be able to narrow it down without more blood tests and exams, oh joy.

What a busy baby!

So yesterday was nice. I took Lily to Palm Avenue to meet my elementary teachers. She did so well! We went into Ms Feenstra's class first. The kids went crazy! They were so excited to see her. They all crowded around her and asked question after question. The entire time she just smiled and giggled taking it all in. I was amazed she didn't cry once! There were four other classes we went into and she was the same in all of them.

Being back at Palm got me thinking about the future again. When I first wanted to go into teaching I wanted to teach at Palm. I had put that idea out of my head long ago, but being back there it's kinda like being home. Just like with OLA, I had sworn I wasn't going back to that church but that is where I am currently going. Home always seems to suck you back in. Maybe it's just more about familiarity.

Anyways, after visiting the school we went to visit my old neighbors the Sams. They were my adopted grandparents for many many years so I was excited to show off Lily and catch up. Apparently, they've tried buying my old house but there is no listing for it. It has been sitting there empty for over a year now, maybe even two. The people that bought it from my parents just walked away. Since there is no listing though how is anyone supposed to buy it and take care of it? I think that I should just move in there...squatting laws apply right :P If I just live there for like 5 years without getting kicked out it'll be mine! haha I wish!

We got home about noon, Lily ate and then napped for two and a half hours. I was able to get a little homework and housework done which was nice. Then Alyssa came over and we watched Grey's :)

Last night Lily wasn't being on sleeping, yet again big surprise. But today she has been a great napper! She fell asleep in the swing at nine and didn't wake up til 11:30. She was so happy after that. She had lots of tummy time, I even got a video of her rolling over! Now She's back in bed and giving me time to do some writing.