Tired and lazy on a Friday night

So far today has been pretty relaxing. I finally did the dishes and started the laundry but that's about it. Lily wasn't a very good napper at all today so I'm letting her sleep on the couch. After she wakes up I'm looking forward to going to Alfred's house to see him before he heads back to Oklahoma tomorrow. Grandma Angie will finally be able to meet Lily! Kinda crazy it will be before even Grandma Jeni meets her, but I'm sure we will see her soon enough. :)

I could have sworn the end had come.damaged goods

I'm tired of you haunting my dreams. I hadn't had any in quite a while, but tonight it was more than apparent that you are still in there waiting to prey on my tired mind and soul. Before they were reenactments, I knew what was coming next. Tonight I had no such luck. It seemed I closed my eyes only to open them up right away to your face at my front door. I wasn't sure how you knew where I lived, but there you were with a smile on your face expecting me to invite you in. After politely asking you to leave and getting no response I knew it was time to let you have it and tell you exactly what I thought of you. I stepped outside, just as I had done years before...only this time it wasn't because I was scared and alone, it was because I was angry and filled with adrenalin. Each step I took built up more anger to be released in me, but in you all I saw was satisfaction. You were winning but I couldn't help it. I needed you to know what it was that you really did to me. I yelled at you for being the reason for my nightmares. I told you how much you have ruined my life. You are the cause for the pain inside; emotional, spiritual, and now physical. You are the reason I have gotten the worst news of my life...i don't care how treatable they say it is, this will still forever change me. I am now damaged goods, moreso than before. at least before therapy helped, now what i can't talk my way out of this no matter how hard i try.

Poolside

What a lovely day. Lily and I spent the day in the pool at the Maust household. It was so nice. The heat wasn't even noticeable. Lily absolutely loves the water!!!! I kept taking her out because she was getting all wrinkly but she would walk be back to the water to get in. She was so cute hanging out in her floatie. Soph was even funnier! She kept holding on to lily and dragging her around saying, i got this lily don't worry. I am so glad we have friends with pools! it will def make the summer more fun and tolerable.

I know I just finished my post, but I'm still pretty heated...maybe even more so. How can you even look me in the eye? I mean seriously?! What did I do, or not do, too encourage such behavior? My heart is so heavy, I have no clue what to do at this point. I am on this kick of actually attempting to communicate my feelings and needs. I'm not saying I'm great at it, but I am trying. There are two reasons I am thinking this is one of those things I might just not communicate though; 1) I can tell you how I feel until I am blue in the face, but it isn't going to change the issue 2) I have no idea what it is I need in order to be right with you again so why make it worse by bringing it to light? Oye, I hope I can sleep tonight :/

Hmm...and then there were three?

Each day sheds light on who a person is through their actions current or past. Even though yesterdays festivities were tons of fun I did have a few "down" moments. Its amazing how easy it is for some people to go behind their friends or spouses backs, completely disregarding the feelings of the other party involved. I'm still not quite sure how to or if i should confront the situation. At this point the only thing I am sure of is I feel betrayed and sick to my stomach. There are so many question that I want answered, mainly "why?"

A surprise around every corner

Well, today started out a bit emotional. I'm dealing with some new information that is hard to process and could forever change my life as well as those around me. I'm not quite ready to talk about it all, but I am finally accepting the reality of it all. In doing so I pretty much lost my cool this morning and had to go for a walk. I ended up at the park and watched the sun rise over the trees while swinging. It was fairly relaxing and much needed. This entire episode helped me realize that I cannot expect what I do not ask for. I needed comfort, support, and reassurance. Once I asked for it I received it and I honestly felt so much better. More relaxed and ready to take the day on with a happier, healthier outlook.

Lily took a great nap and was happy during Mass today. I think it helped that Fr Dave was there :) we were all pleasantly surprised! I guess the priest that is supposed to be filling in this month couldn't make it. Lily sang her little heart out during a few of the hymns, and made a new friend. After Communion there was a bit of a disturbance. While we were all kneeling in prayer a man a few pews up from us stood up and began preaching, this is not a standard practice in the Catholic Church and I (as well as most of the parishioners) found it to be disrespectful. Father Dave addressed the man quietly and asked him to respect our service. When the man declined Deacon made a phone call to what I am assuming was the police station. The choir stepped up and sang loud and proud, drowning the man out. During this time another male parishioner stood next to the man showing him something and talking to him. It was nice to see that everyone just kind of let him do his thing and only addressed him peacefully. Though the rest of Mass Edwin and Chris stood beside the man after attempting to have him leave, he was very diligent. Even at the closing prayer the man was preaching. Father didn't miss a beat though, he made light of the situation by saying this would be a very memorable Mass (after which Mina laughed so hard she snorted!)

I personally don't have a problem with people expressing their views and beliefs. Just don't do it in the middle of another religious service. Stand outside the doors and saying what you would like before or after the service would even be fine with me. But to completely disrespect the beliefs of others is not acceptable in my eyes, but to each his own I guess.

My last surprise of the day, so far anyway, Alfred is coming home tomorrow! I wish it were for better circumstances :/ his great grandma is not doing so hot so he's coming home to be with her and the rest of the family. But the best part of the surprise is that a man who he had never met before offered to get him a round trip ticket home for $150! what an amazing man :) he will forever be remembered by those who know what he has done for Fred and his family!

Hopefully there will be more good surprises around the corner soon!

Tomorrow is the soccer game! It's going to be a long day for Lily!!! But should be tons of fun!