Waiting...

For a completely perfect and joyful holiday season. It.can happen one year right? It's strange to me how every year lol clockwork at least one major life changing experience takes place and manifests itself negatively in my heart as well as many of those around me. Finding the new positive, happy person within myself has been a chore. Continuing to be that person when so many of the people closest to me are hurting. I try to be a "fixer" and these are things I have no control over.

My wish for those of you hurting is peace of mind and strength of soul. I hope the holidays and family togetherness eases your pains and troubles.

Thoughts before finally, hopefully falling asleep

Although I am enjoying my time in oceanside, I am missing some of the most odd things...Cooking dinner, picking up toys all over the house, and hiding away in my bedroom with Lily. I definitely don't miss laundry or dishes though,they came with me :P
It's strange, the longer I'm away the harder it is to fall asleep. There is no separation of blankets, no fan blocking out every sound, no documentaries before bed. It really is the little things that make all the difference in life.

A filler post?

Lily and I are spending some time in Oceanside this week. It's nice being with my family, I have missed them so much. My goal was to come down and finish my Christmas crafts, presents, and baking. So far I have finished part of my baking and not much else. That's okay though because I have gotten to see my family and a few friends. There is really only one person I haven't seen yet that I am dying to see, but depending on how today went I'm not sure I will get to.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for my new "positive" attitude. Harry was supposed to come home from the hospital tonight, but I'm still not sure that has happened...kinda hoping it hasn't. Tomorrow will start with mass for Uncle Raymond followed by a trip to the cemetery with Grams. Part of me is trying to prepare now, but the other part of me thinks I should just let whatever happens happen. It's kinda difficult for me though.

Looks like it's time for neosporin

I have this book I read pieces of every once in a while called 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married. It's a really good read, at least for me. I find I learn something about myself or some way to better myself every time I pick it up.

#21...If you can't be happy without your partner, you won't be happy together.

"When we take responsibility for healing the unloved places within ourselves by accepting and internalizing our partner's love, true healing and happiness begins. Paradoxically, though we may not become truly happy without someone else's love, their love alone is not enough to fulfill us. What their love can do is ignite the spark of self-love buried deep in our hearts so that we can recognize, feed, and nurture it until it becomes a roaring fire that ultimately burns up the shame, insecurity, anger, and pain that have been the source of our unhappiness."

It's amazing to think about all the times I have made it out to be someone else's fault I was hurt or unhappy, when in reality there was something deeper within me that caused the pain. I personally go through cycles of taking care of myself and my happiness. I know that when I do remember that my voids are my own and nobody else's to fill, mend, and patch I usually enjoy my days more and find myself in a better place. It isn't anyone's responsibility to make me happy. It's mine to take charge of my journey.

One thing I seem to forget when I go through these cycles though is that happiness is not a race. I cannot heal every wound, fill every void at once. It's okay to take it one step at a time and not throw myself into a million things. This is actually probably the reason I go through cycles instead of finding a steady road to travel. I take too much on at once thinking it will bring happiness then get burnt out and frustrated that after all my work nothing has changed. The reason being, I hadn't actually fixed anything. I was putting band aids over my cuts without neosporin...leaving scar tissue instead of smooth skin. Now it's time to reopen old wounds and use the neosporin to create a smooth surface.

The first step to taking charge of my happiness has been actively paying attention to my outlook and attitude. The second has been blogging again, writing out my thoughts has always seemed to help me focus and hold myself accountable. Hopefully I can break the cycle this time and learn how to create a lasting happiness within myself.

Don't call it a day just because the road's blocked

Been awake for the last couple hours and super tired. It seems that once Lily wakes up in the middle of the night she can't sleep well without me. Well, as much as I love her, and love holding her once she's in my arms I cannot sleep. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept longer than 4 or 5 hours at a time. It has for sure taken a toll on me. The last two nights have been particularly difficult, late nights and up by four. I can feel my body slowly hating me and my patients thinning. All of this is creating a bit of a nervousness for this job interview on friday. I'm worried about being able to take care of my family and household while working full time and running off of a couple hours of sleep. Another fear is that I won't have time to finish my last couple classes. It has been hard enough to find time for school without a full time job. Trying to weigh the pros and cons is not always easy.

The sun will shine again

I've decided to use my new found fuel to get organized again. I'm making plans for the day, the week, the month...eventually I will be able to plan six months down the road and later on a year or more. Although planning sometimes makes time go faster it eases my mind and relaxes me. Like I've said before I can only take control over my decisions and actions...so that is what I am doing. I am finishing the Christmas gifts by next Tuesday. I am not going to worry about Wednesday's doctor's appointment. I am going to enjoy my morning with Grace and Lily thursday. I am not going to over analyze what others say or do. I will open up most of me to those around me, but I will not nag or beg them to be part of my life. They can make their own choices. There are choices I'd like to share, but will wait until I am ready to take that step.

I have a phone interview Friday for a visual assistant manager position. I've kept it to myself because I don't want to get my hopes up, or anyone elses for that matter. I know that there are a lot of people applying for jobs these days, and it's been a while since I've been in the field. It would be a nice position, offer a better financial situation. It's full time so I'd be away from Lily, a lot. That's not exactly ideal for me, but it is what it is and I am looking at things in a positive light now right?

Hopefully I will still have time to write. I've started my book. It'll take sometime to finish, but it's coming along nicely. I'd really like to publish it one day, share what I've learned with others.

I'll be the candle and you be the flame

I had a dream last night that tore me to pieces inside. I had let the stresses of life get the better of me and didn't fight for what I wanted. I let it all go, giving in to what I thought was what you wanted. It was one of the hardest things I've gone through, and it was only a dream.

I've been on a lyric kick recently. I hear something and think, wow that really speaks to me in this way. One of my songs this morning was Don't Go by Jake Coco. There are two lines I can't get out of my head. The first is the title of today's post, "I'll be the candle and you be the flame." I thought this line was beautiful. I will be here to help you shine when you are ready. The meaning for me is a bit deeper, for now though this is sufficient. The other line is, "They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone"...all I could think of was, I'm not willing to wait that long. I need to know and appreciate what I have now, not later. You never know what will happen today, let alone tomorrow, or five years down the road.

"One day" isn't my favorite. I like to have plans for the future. I like to know where I am looking. But for now "one day," is what I have and what I am choosing to look towards.

"The world wont ever change if you only stay the same"

Some decisions we make in life are for the better and others are not. They all have at least two things in common though. First of all, we are the ones ultimately making the decision giving us some control over what happens. Secondly, all the choices made over the years lead us down our life's journey. Sometimes I look at some of the choices I have made and wonder "Why didn't I think that through with a little more logic." But in reality I did what I thought would be most beneficial at the time. There is no way I could have know where it would take me later on in life.

The only reason these thoughts have come to mind in the last few days is because I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. That doesn't mean I am unhappy with where I am. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who I have been able to be a SAHM to for the last year. I have a boyfriend who has provided financial stability which has made it possible for me to stay at home with our daughter. I am only a handful of classes away from my bachelor's. Like I said, I am not unhappy with where I am...just ready to make some choices that will bring me closer to the plans I have had for myself.

I've always gone back and forth with realizing I have to include Him in my decision making...sometimes I just want to do it all on my own.

"The world wont ever change if you only stay the same"...Jake Coco, I'd Give You The Moon...my song of the moment. well, one of a few anyways.