Waiting...

For a completely perfect and joyful holiday season. It.can happen one year right? It's strange to me how every year lol clockwork at least one major life changing experience takes place and manifests itself negatively in my heart as well as many of those around me. Finding the new positive, happy person within myself has been a chore. Continuing to be that person when so many of the people closest to me are hurting. I try to be a "fixer" and these are things I have no control over.

My wish for those of you hurting is peace of mind and strength of soul. I hope the holidays and family togetherness eases your pains and troubles.

Thoughts before finally, hopefully falling asleep

Although I am enjoying my time in oceanside, I am missing some of the most odd things...Cooking dinner, picking up toys all over the house, and hiding away in my bedroom with Lily. I definitely don't miss laundry or dishes though,they came with me :P
It's strange, the longer I'm away the harder it is to fall asleep. There is no separation of blankets, no fan blocking out every sound, no documentaries before bed. It really is the little things that make all the difference in life.

A filler post?

Lily and I are spending some time in Oceanside this week. It's nice being with my family, I have missed them so much. My goal was to come down and finish my Christmas crafts, presents, and baking. So far I have finished part of my baking and not much else. That's okay though because I have gotten to see my family and a few friends. There is really only one person I haven't seen yet that I am dying to see, but depending on how today went I'm not sure I will get to.

Tomorrow will be an interesting day for my new "positive" attitude. Harry was supposed to come home from the hospital tonight, but I'm still not sure that has happened...kinda hoping it hasn't. Tomorrow will start with mass for Uncle Raymond followed by a trip to the cemetery with Grams. Part of me is trying to prepare now, but the other part of me thinks I should just let whatever happens happen. It's kinda difficult for me though.

Looks like it's time for neosporin

I have this book I read pieces of every once in a while called 101 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married. It's a really good read, at least for me. I find I learn something about myself or some way to better myself every time I pick it up.

#21...If you can't be happy without your partner, you won't be happy together.

"When we take responsibility for healing the unloved places within ourselves by accepting and internalizing our partner's love, true healing and happiness begins. Paradoxically, though we may not become truly happy without someone else's love, their love alone is not enough to fulfill us. What their love can do is ignite the spark of self-love buried deep in our hearts so that we can recognize, feed, and nurture it until it becomes a roaring fire that ultimately burns up the shame, insecurity, anger, and pain that have been the source of our unhappiness."

It's amazing to think about all the times I have made it out to be someone else's fault I was hurt or unhappy, when in reality there was something deeper within me that caused the pain. I personally go through cycles of taking care of myself and my happiness. I know that when I do remember that my voids are my own and nobody else's to fill, mend, and patch I usually enjoy my days more and find myself in a better place. It isn't anyone's responsibility to make me happy. It's mine to take charge of my journey.

One thing I seem to forget when I go through these cycles though is that happiness is not a race. I cannot heal every wound, fill every void at once. It's okay to take it one step at a time and not throw myself into a million things. This is actually probably the reason I go through cycles instead of finding a steady road to travel. I take too much on at once thinking it will bring happiness then get burnt out and frustrated that after all my work nothing has changed. The reason being, I hadn't actually fixed anything. I was putting band aids over my cuts without neosporin...leaving scar tissue instead of smooth skin. Now it's time to reopen old wounds and use the neosporin to create a smooth surface.

The first step to taking charge of my happiness has been actively paying attention to my outlook and attitude. The second has been blogging again, writing out my thoughts has always seemed to help me focus and hold myself accountable. Hopefully I can break the cycle this time and learn how to create a lasting happiness within myself.

Don't call it a day just because the road's blocked

Been awake for the last couple hours and super tired. It seems that once Lily wakes up in the middle of the night she can't sleep well without me. Well, as much as I love her, and love holding her once she's in my arms I cannot sleep. I honestly can't remember the last time I slept longer than 4 or 5 hours at a time. It has for sure taken a toll on me. The last two nights have been particularly difficult, late nights and up by four. I can feel my body slowly hating me and my patients thinning. All of this is creating a bit of a nervousness for this job interview on friday. I'm worried about being able to take care of my family and household while working full time and running off of a couple hours of sleep. Another fear is that I won't have time to finish my last couple classes. It has been hard enough to find time for school without a full time job. Trying to weigh the pros and cons is not always easy.

The sun will shine again

I've decided to use my new found fuel to get organized again. I'm making plans for the day, the week, the month...eventually I will be able to plan six months down the road and later on a year or more. Although planning sometimes makes time go faster it eases my mind and relaxes me. Like I've said before I can only take control over my decisions and actions...so that is what I am doing. I am finishing the Christmas gifts by next Tuesday. I am not going to worry about Wednesday's doctor's appointment. I am going to enjoy my morning with Grace and Lily thursday. I am not going to over analyze what others say or do. I will open up most of me to those around me, but I will not nag or beg them to be part of my life. They can make their own choices. There are choices I'd like to share, but will wait until I am ready to take that step.

I have a phone interview Friday for a visual assistant manager position. I've kept it to myself because I don't want to get my hopes up, or anyone elses for that matter. I know that there are a lot of people applying for jobs these days, and it's been a while since I've been in the field. It would be a nice position, offer a better financial situation. It's full time so I'd be away from Lily, a lot. That's not exactly ideal for me, but it is what it is and I am looking at things in a positive light now right?

Hopefully I will still have time to write. I've started my book. It'll take sometime to finish, but it's coming along nicely. I'd really like to publish it one day, share what I've learned with others.

I'll be the candle and you be the flame

I had a dream last night that tore me to pieces inside. I had let the stresses of life get the better of me and didn't fight for what I wanted. I let it all go, giving in to what I thought was what you wanted. It was one of the hardest things I've gone through, and it was only a dream.

I've been on a lyric kick recently. I hear something and think, wow that really speaks to me in this way. One of my songs this morning was Don't Go by Jake Coco. There are two lines I can't get out of my head. The first is the title of today's post, "I'll be the candle and you be the flame." I thought this line was beautiful. I will be here to help you shine when you are ready. The meaning for me is a bit deeper, for now though this is sufficient. The other line is, "They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone"...all I could think of was, I'm not willing to wait that long. I need to know and appreciate what I have now, not later. You never know what will happen today, let alone tomorrow, or five years down the road.

"One day" isn't my favorite. I like to have plans for the future. I like to know where I am looking. But for now "one day," is what I have and what I am choosing to look towards.

"The world wont ever change if you only stay the same"

Some decisions we make in life are for the better and others are not. They all have at least two things in common though. First of all, we are the ones ultimately making the decision giving us some control over what happens. Secondly, all the choices made over the years lead us down our life's journey. Sometimes I look at some of the choices I have made and wonder "Why didn't I think that through with a little more logic." But in reality I did what I thought would be most beneficial at the time. There is no way I could have know where it would take me later on in life.

The only reason these thoughts have come to mind in the last few days is because I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. That doesn't mean I am unhappy with where I am. I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter who I have been able to be a SAHM to for the last year. I have a boyfriend who has provided financial stability which has made it possible for me to stay at home with our daughter. I am only a handful of classes away from my bachelor's. Like I said, I am not unhappy with where I am...just ready to make some choices that will bring me closer to the plans I have had for myself.

I've always gone back and forth with realizing I have to include Him in my decision making...sometimes I just want to do it all on my own.

"The world wont ever change if you only stay the same"...Jake Coco, I'd Give You The Moon...my song of the moment. well, one of a few anyways.

Been a while...

A lot has happened since I last posted, but there is no way I will get you all caught up! So in short, we had an amazing vacation in Washington and Idaho! It was so good to see everyone, I really wish there was a way to split our time half and half between here and there. I had a bit of a break from school and now I have started back up, and it is attacking me with a vengeance! At least it's material that I like though. I'm taking Infant/Toddler. Last week we focused on classroom set up, this week is about material and curriculum, and throughout the entire course we are discussing how early education is approached in other countries.

Wednesdays are Jared's long days...which translate into my long days...so Bridget came by and took Lily for a run so I could get some reading done. We've decided this will be a weekly thing because we get our time together before she and Matt head to NC. Her and I traveled down memory lane for a while today...more my memories than hers, but she got to know a person she didn't get a chance to meet :) It's good to know he's still looking out for all of us...even those who are new to the group. I've been thinking a lot lately about where Forrest would be today, wondering if he's looking down smiling at where the rest of us are, hoping he really is a silent partner in our daily lives. I haven't been in a while and think it might be time for a visit to the creek.

Tired and lazy on a Friday night

So far today has been pretty relaxing. I finally did the dishes and started the laundry but that's about it. Lily wasn't a very good napper at all today so I'm letting her sleep on the couch. After she wakes up I'm looking forward to going to Alfred's house to see him before he heads back to Oklahoma tomorrow. Grandma Angie will finally be able to meet Lily! Kinda crazy it will be before even Grandma Jeni meets her, but I'm sure we will see her soon enough. :)

I could have sworn the end had come.damaged goods

I'm tired of you haunting my dreams. I hadn't had any in quite a while, but tonight it was more than apparent that you are still in there waiting to prey on my tired mind and soul. Before they were reenactments, I knew what was coming next. Tonight I had no such luck. It seemed I closed my eyes only to open them up right away to your face at my front door. I wasn't sure how you knew where I lived, but there you were with a smile on your face expecting me to invite you in. After politely asking you to leave and getting no response I knew it was time to let you have it and tell you exactly what I thought of you. I stepped outside, just as I had done years before...only this time it wasn't because I was scared and alone, it was because I was angry and filled with adrenalin. Each step I took built up more anger to be released in me, but in you all I saw was satisfaction. You were winning but I couldn't help it. I needed you to know what it was that you really did to me. I yelled at you for being the reason for my nightmares. I told you how much you have ruined my life. You are the cause for the pain inside; emotional, spiritual, and now physical. You are the reason I have gotten the worst news of my life...i don't care how treatable they say it is, this will still forever change me. I am now damaged goods, moreso than before. at least before therapy helped, now what i can't talk my way out of this no matter how hard i try.

Poolside

What a lovely day. Lily and I spent the day in the pool at the Maust household. It was so nice. The heat wasn't even noticeable. Lily absolutely loves the water!!!! I kept taking her out because she was getting all wrinkly but she would walk be back to the water to get in. She was so cute hanging out in her floatie. Soph was even funnier! She kept holding on to lily and dragging her around saying, i got this lily don't worry. I am so glad we have friends with pools! it will def make the summer more fun and tolerable.

I know I just finished my post, but I'm still pretty heated...maybe even more so. How can you even look me in the eye? I mean seriously?! What did I do, or not do, too encourage such behavior? My heart is so heavy, I have no clue what to do at this point. I am on this kick of actually attempting to communicate my feelings and needs. I'm not saying I'm great at it, but I am trying. There are two reasons I am thinking this is one of those things I might just not communicate though; 1) I can tell you how I feel until I am blue in the face, but it isn't going to change the issue 2) I have no idea what it is I need in order to be right with you again so why make it worse by bringing it to light? Oye, I hope I can sleep tonight :/

Hmm...and then there were three?

Each day sheds light on who a person is through their actions current or past. Even though yesterdays festivities were tons of fun I did have a few "down" moments. Its amazing how easy it is for some people to go behind their friends or spouses backs, completely disregarding the feelings of the other party involved. I'm still not quite sure how to or if i should confront the situation. At this point the only thing I am sure of is I feel betrayed and sick to my stomach. There are so many question that I want answered, mainly "why?"

A surprise around every corner

Well, today started out a bit emotional. I'm dealing with some new information that is hard to process and could forever change my life as well as those around me. I'm not quite ready to talk about it all, but I am finally accepting the reality of it all. In doing so I pretty much lost my cool this morning and had to go for a walk. I ended up at the park and watched the sun rise over the trees while swinging. It was fairly relaxing and much needed. This entire episode helped me realize that I cannot expect what I do not ask for. I needed comfort, support, and reassurance. Once I asked for it I received it and I honestly felt so much better. More relaxed and ready to take the day on with a happier, healthier outlook.

Lily took a great nap and was happy during Mass today. I think it helped that Fr Dave was there :) we were all pleasantly surprised! I guess the priest that is supposed to be filling in this month couldn't make it. Lily sang her little heart out during a few of the hymns, and made a new friend. After Communion there was a bit of a disturbance. While we were all kneeling in prayer a man a few pews up from us stood up and began preaching, this is not a standard practice in the Catholic Church and I (as well as most of the parishioners) found it to be disrespectful. Father Dave addressed the man quietly and asked him to respect our service. When the man declined Deacon made a phone call to what I am assuming was the police station. The choir stepped up and sang loud and proud, drowning the man out. During this time another male parishioner stood next to the man showing him something and talking to him. It was nice to see that everyone just kind of let him do his thing and only addressed him peacefully. Though the rest of Mass Edwin and Chris stood beside the man after attempting to have him leave, he was very diligent. Even at the closing prayer the man was preaching. Father didn't miss a beat though, he made light of the situation by saying this would be a very memorable Mass (after which Mina laughed so hard she snorted!)

I personally don't have a problem with people expressing their views and beliefs. Just don't do it in the middle of another religious service. Stand outside the doors and saying what you would like before or after the service would even be fine with me. But to completely disrespect the beliefs of others is not acceptable in my eyes, but to each his own I guess.

My last surprise of the day, so far anyway, Alfred is coming home tomorrow! I wish it were for better circumstances :/ his great grandma is not doing so hot so he's coming home to be with her and the rest of the family. But the best part of the surprise is that a man who he had never met before offered to get him a round trip ticket home for $150! what an amazing man :) he will forever be remembered by those who know what he has done for Fred and his family!

Hopefully there will be more good surprises around the corner soon!

Tomorrow is the soccer game! It's going to be a long day for Lily!!! But should be tons of fun!

rejuvination

Sunday Lily and I went to church and saw Fr Dave for what may be the last time. He has been such a huge part of my spiritual life and growth...from the loss of a loved one to the birth of my beautiful daughter. OLA has been so blessed to have him for the last 7 years and he will be missed so much! I have never felt so close to a priest, even my uncle. He sat and listened when I needed to talk. He pushed me when he knew I could do more than I thought. He gave me the opportunities I needed to grow in my faith. Without him I don't know that I would have taken the steps I did to create and facilitate my own jr high group while I was still in high school. The support and encouragement I received from him and the rest of the staff gave me the confidence to continue to give my time and energy to the youth of the church. Sunday's mass was extremely emotional for me. Although being back at OLA is nice and I feel at home, my spiritual life isn't as strong as it used to be and I don't like the void that leaves. After seeing Fr Dave and Deacon John on Sunday, as well as my old students (who are now the new teachers) I have decided it's time to take charge and change what I am not happy with, and what isn't healthy in my life. I can't change those around me, but I can change the life I lead for myself. It's time to move on from working with the high school ministry and help other mom's like me...I've decided I want to work with the church to start a bible study group for moms...I hope our new priest is as excited about these things as Fr Dave was :)

Anywho, off to Grace's to bake the day away and then a visit to Janet who hasn't seen Lily since we were in the hospital!

The start of something beautiful

Lily just went down for her nap. It took a while to get her down, but she fell asleep in her crib!!! And it's the second time in a row, she did it last night too. I just let her cry in her crib for a little bit then go in lay her down pat her back for a while and bam asleep...well, maybe I'm making it sound easier than it really was but it just made me super happy and accomplished :)

Thank you Google!

So, I've been putting together meal plans for about a week or two at a time. It's been a help when going to the grocery store. I have an idea of everything I will need and don't have to make random trips to the store for odd things. Even though meal planning makes the trip to the store easier I don't hardly stick to it. Thanks to Google calendars though I moved my meal plan from One Note to a calendar and I can see it on my phone or computer. It also makes it easy to share with Gracie :) She and I have been talking for a while about helping each other with dinners...now we can actually do it! Not only will it keep track of the meal itself, but the recipe can go in the description section and bam you've got it forever!

Worst feeling ever!

It's 3am and I've been up with Lily since 1:30. Before that she woke up at 12 after barely going to bed at 11. At the moment I am listening to her cry in her crib from the couch with tears in my own eyes. This was attempt 3 at laying her down and I just don't know what else to do. She sleeps great while in my arms, but as soon as I lay her down she wakes up crying. I'm completely exhausted and don't know how much more sleep I can go without. I have always been against the cry it out method, but I'm willing to try at this point...although, Lily is just hysterical in her room right now, I'll probably only last another minute.

SuperMommy...I wish

Haha so much for keeping up on my blogging :P

Today is crazy! I feel like I have so much to do and so little time. I am trying to finish up a super boring paper, keep the house clean...which is not working out so well...take care of Lily and myself. Oye some days I wish I was super woman, but today I just have to accept that I am not and rest a little so that maybe I can be super woman tomorrow.

What will tomorrow bring?

I tell myself over and over that I am going to keep up this blogging business, but it's not the easiest thing to do. I get distracted with other things going on, taking care of lily, sleeping, homework...the basics. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the future. It scares me a little, ok a lot, that I am unsure of where I will be next year, let alone in 5 years down the road. I've always had this plan of how things will go, and although I veer off the path from time to time at least there is a plan. For now I'm living in San Bernardino, raising Lily, and doing online classes. I can't see much farther down the road than maybe a month or two, and honestly I'm not a big fan. I want more, and I think I deserve to let myself desire more, but at the same time I feel like I should be happy with the present...which I am, don't get me wrong.

Meeting up with Gracie last night was nice. I hadn't talk to her in a while and being able to talk to her about the future, and how she's kinda there too was a bit of a relief. I guess even after you have your house, marriage, and career you still wonder what comes next. Just gotta have faith.

On another note, I've been enjoying planning Lily's baptism reception. I love putting favors, decorations, and food together. Sometimes I really think I should have just stuck with event planning. I know it would take up weekends and summers, but I really love putting colors and themes together...I especially take pride in the end result. Maybe I can be one of those crazy Blogger moms that actually makes money blogging and I can do it all on event planning somehow, or start some kind of event planning gig with Alyssa and Grace like we talked about so much? Decisions, decisions.

Well, I'm off to bed. Lily's been asleep for almost an hour which means I probably have an hour before she's up again :P

Hopefully I can get to sleep in my empty bed. It's always so strange when Jared's gone.

From one nightmare to the next...

It's been quite a while since I've been on here. I was doing pretty well for a little bit because I put the Blogger app on my phone, but I just haven't been in the mood to write I guess. Although I probably should've just forced myself to do so...maybe it would have been therapeutic and I wouldn't get so moody sometimes.

Grandma Shirley passed away last week and it tugs on my heart strings throughout the day. Mainly because she never got the chance to meet Lily. She would have loved to play with her, but at least now she's watching over Lily and she can be with her husband. The funeral was just after Easter and I was very anxious about going because I was sure my grandfather would be there since he and Shirley had known each other for forty something years. Easter weekend my grandfather showed up at my parents house and he and dad got into a yelling match. I have never heard either of them like that, it was pretty upsetting. But we didn't let it ruin the day completely. Lily is pretty good at making me forget about the bad bits of everyday, all she has to do is smile and everything is put into perspective in that moment.

Thankfully my grandfather didn't end up going to the funeral, but apparently made a scene at the viewing the night before. I was on edge the entire time we were at the funeral home. When the door opened I'm pretty sure my heart would stop until I saw that it wasn't him. I love him, but I don't know that I will ever be able to get over the things he has said. I mean really, who says their own granddaughter is a demon or possessed? And it's not like he only told one person, he talked to the entire family about it. Even writing this I feel emotional. When I was younger he was around a lot, it was like he was trying to make up for all the wrongs he had done in his life. I felt his love, even when there wasn't much to talk about. That is no longer the case. At the same time though, he has had a lot of changes in his life in the last year and we are a little worried about his mental health. If he's sick do I just forget about all the hurt? How do we even find out if he's sick? Where do we go from there if there is something wrong? My aunt seems to think it is not our responsibility, but if not ours than whos?

This is why I'm not getting sleep, even after Lily goes to bed. I have too many unanswered questions. I lay in bed running scenarios, questions, wishes, prayers, etc running through my mind. I try to focus on my breathing or sing a song in my head to get my mind off the subject, but somehow I veer back. By the time I have drained myself emotionally to the point of finally falling asleep Lily usually wakes up. It's become an awesome cycle, not! I think once I can get some closure on the whole thing I will finally be ok, but for now I can't see that happening in the near future. I just have to focus on making my family happy, and the rest will come in time.

maybe it's nothing...

I've been putting off visiting the doctor for fear of finding out something is wrong, but I'm starting think I really need to go. It's really ridiculous how all the symptoms I have lead to a ton of different things...menstrual cycle, pregnancy, cysts, cancer, stress...Won't be able to narrow it down without more blood tests and exams, oh joy.

What a busy baby!

So yesterday was nice. I took Lily to Palm Avenue to meet my elementary teachers. She did so well! We went into Ms Feenstra's class first. The kids went crazy! They were so excited to see her. They all crowded around her and asked question after question. The entire time she just smiled and giggled taking it all in. I was amazed she didn't cry once! There were four other classes we went into and she was the same in all of them.

Being back at Palm got me thinking about the future again. When I first wanted to go into teaching I wanted to teach at Palm. I had put that idea out of my head long ago, but being back there it's kinda like being home. Just like with OLA, I had sworn I wasn't going back to that church but that is where I am currently going. Home always seems to suck you back in. Maybe it's just more about familiarity.

Anyways, after visiting the school we went to visit my old neighbors the Sams. They were my adopted grandparents for many many years so I was excited to show off Lily and catch up. Apparently, they've tried buying my old house but there is no listing for it. It has been sitting there empty for over a year now, maybe even two. The people that bought it from my parents just walked away. Since there is no listing though how is anyone supposed to buy it and take care of it? I think that I should just move in there...squatting laws apply right :P If I just live there for like 5 years without getting kicked out it'll be mine! haha I wish!

We got home about noon, Lily ate and then napped for two and a half hours. I was able to get a little homework and housework done which was nice. Then Alyssa came over and we watched Grey's :)

Last night Lily wasn't being on sleeping, yet again big surprise. But today she has been a great napper! She fell asleep in the swing at nine and didn't wake up til 11:30. She was so happy after that. She had lots of tummy time, I even got a video of her rolling over! Now She's back in bed and giving me time to do some writing.

And she's up

I thought for sure Lily would stay asleep since she only took one nap today. But sure enough we are up, for the fourth time since she went down at 7. I wish I knew what she wanted.

Mommy doesn't feel great is not in her vocabulary.

I've fallen slightly behind on this blogging business

My school work got a little crazy because it's almost the last week of class so it trumped my blogging time. I did get the Blogger app on my phone though so it's always at my fingertips :)

The last week has been crazy busy, or at least it seems like it now. We had a Sounders viewing party at the house, with a few more people than the week before. I was so worried I wasn't going to have enough food! I made this concoction that I am now calling potato nachos (potatoes, taco seasoned ground beef, and cheese) which seemed to be a big hit, baked ravioli, quesadillas, and sandwiches...I guess it was quite a bit of food. I also made cake balls, my first attempt!!! They turned out pretty good if I do say so myself. I used strawberry cake mix and chocolate butter frosting with some coconut flakes added rolled in sugar, instead of candy coating. They flew of the table in comparison to the other desserts.

Jeanette and Jared's parents stayed the weekend with us. I was good to see them all. And Lily didn't get too cranky with anyone, I think she's getting better about seeing other people now. Her sleeping schedule is not getting better though. She was doing so well for a while only waking up once or twice a night. But it seems like since she got sick with that crazy cough of hers everything is up in arms! She's waking up every hour or two, which means so am I. Some people say let her cry, but I'm just not comfortable with that. I can't sleep through her crying, and I really don't want her to wake up Jared. I want him to get as much sleep as possible since he's the one getting up in the morning going to work and school. Up until about midnight I can usually

just pick Lily up, pat her back and she'll go right back to sleep. But after midnight she won't go back to sleep without nursing, and then she'll only stay asleep as long as she feels skin. So from midnight or 1 I move out on to the couch with her, sleep for a couple hours then its up for the day at around 5 or 6. Sometimes she'll go back to sleep with me for an hour, which keeps me slightly more sane. I've started a journal for her, keeping track of when she is sleeping and eating...hopefully I can find a pattern and it will help me to get her on a better schedule. We will see though.

I've been feeling crazy old lately! I just saw on Facebook that Lani just turned 7! I remember when Jessi was preggers with her! Lily is sitting up on her own now, starting to roll over and scoot on the floor. It's only a matter of time before she is walking, talking, and turning 7 too! I guess I'm feeling old too because my birthday is just around the corner. 24, When did that happen?! I had a plan of where I'd be at 24 in high school...I am far from that plan, but everything happens for a reason. At this point I'm struggling with future plans. I don't know if it is just because I don't want to get any older, or because I don't want to move on, maybe it's just fear of not following my plans again. Oh well, just gotta keep moving forward and not living in the past.

I made it to the end of the day with a smile on my face. Lily has been in bed since 830, so far so good. Hopefully she sleeps for at least another couple hours, rest is good and probably what I need. Tomorrows agenda...laundry...even though I swear I just did it :P... homework, cake balls, get the house ready for Friday, and maybe see Alyssa in the afternoon :) Dreaming of happy things and good moods!

One step forward two steps back

The second I start feeling better something triggers the negative feelings and thoughts again. My lenten resolution was to be more positive and productive. Today this is not working out so well. Maybe if I could just get my mind to stop for a while. Yeah that would be nice.

Baking mood :)

So I was looking for a recipe to use my strawberry cake mix and coconut, but I came across this one and think I'm gonna try it tomorrow :)

No Bake Oatmeal Cookie Balls
adapted from allrecipes.com

2 cups rolled oats
3/4 cup white sugar
3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
1 tablespoon water
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup butter, softened
2 tablespoons peanut butter
1 cup confectioners' sugar

In a large bowl, combine the oats, sugar and cocoa. With clean hands, mix in the water, vanilla, butter and peanut butter to form a dough.

Wash hands, then roll the dough into balls 1 to 2 inches in diameter. Roll balls in confectioners' sugar until thickly coated.

Chill 20 minutes before serving.

Self image after baby...

After having a baby everything changes. Your attitude toward life and how to spend your day, your sleep patterns, your daily routine, and even your self image. I've never really had the best self image, but now i struggle with it even more. I thought my biggest issue would be getting the baby weight off, but that was the easy part. Now I'm dealing with losing my hair and stretch marks. I'm dreading summer! I usually wear shorts with my bathing suit anyway because I'm not A big fan of my thighs. But now I'm nervous about even taking off my shirt because of the lovely stretch marks pregnancy left behind. I'm sure I'll deal, but its not easy.

Wakeful 4 month period...

So I had read that at 4 months babies tend to spend a lot more time awake...but a thirty minute nap is just pure craziness! I had plans to get the house back in shape after Tuesday's party and get back on top of the laundry. Lily has had other plans apparently. She was hard to get to bed last night, woke up a few times, then was up at 5 and wanted to be entertained, didn't go back down until 7 then slept until 9. She has taken two naps today, both of which were long enough to get a whole lot of nothing done. She's finally fallen back to sleep but whether she stays asleep or not I lose. Either I continue to get nothing done and have a cranky baby the rest if the day, or she takes an awesome nap and wakes up when its time for bed. At least Alyssa and grace are coming over in a little bit, hopefully they will help me regain some of my sanity...well that was short lived, awake again. Thankfully I've got an awesome sling she's going to be spending some time in.

SLEEP!

Lily totally made up for the other night. She wad a little harder to get down last night so she didn't go to sleep until 1030. That is fine with Mr though because she slept until 6! Almost 8 hours hours of sleep, I haven't had that since before my last month of pregnancy. She ate at 6 and went back to sleep for two more hours. As much as I loved getting the sleep it was bitter sweet, she's sleeping longer because she's getting big. Pretty soon she'll be crawling and walking. It's crazy how quickly the last few months have gone by.

What a night!

Lily went to sleep at nine like usual. I could hear her coughing through the monitor and knew it was. Going to be a long night. Sure enough she let out this shrill cry shortly after going to bed, and since I had been listening to her coughing I hadn't fallen asleep at all yet. I went in to get her and she was still asleep while she was crying. I laid her with me and patted her back till she fell asleep. I put her back in her crib. That lasted an hour or so. So I got her again. She slept until 4, then she decided it was time to be awake. We Hung out in the living room with the Disney channel on. I laid her on the couch and she started having a coughing fit, it was the saddest thing ever! She coughed so much she gagged then threw up all over herself and all the blankets. Bath time at 530 in the morning? I guess that's what being a mom is all about. After her bath she was up for a little longer then ate and back to sleep about 630. So we slept together on the couch til almost nine. Hopefully tonight will be better.

The internet is an amazing thing

So after my last post I was clicking on all kinds of tabs, just to see what this blogging thing is all about. I found "Stats" which has a map of where people are that have read your blog...Belarus and Czech are part of my audience! Wow that's kinda crazy...I better get more interesting if people are actually reading this thing! Haha

Getting started...

Getting started is always the hardest part right?! Well I sent out "launch" emails to friends and family to pass around, put up a craigslist ad...even though I don't think they are supposed to be on there...and posted a link on facebook too. Hopefully this will open a few doors and start a client list. I had my first sale today, even though it was from my mom :P She's always been great about supporting my adventures! I'm excited about this, hopefully I can stay excited I think that helps in generating business!

Determined to work from home...

Well, I went back to work...and now, a month later, I am back at home. After much thought and consideration I decided that the stress and anxiety both Lily and I were experiencing being away from home and each other wasn't worth the little bit of money I would be bringing home. Now I am determined to find away to work from home. I spent the morning looking at different direct sales companies. Direct sales has never really been something I saw myself being a part of, but now I think it is the best business! Well, we'll see how it goes anyways still trying to decide on a company to really dive into. I signed up with Barefoot Books, http://Stephanie-Ansell.barefootbooks.com, today. There are no start up costs and I get to sell children's books! Hopefully it works out. I am also looking at Dove Chocolates, and a wine tasting company too. I'm just trying to keep in mind what will be the best saleswise. As long as I stay focused I can do this :P

A deeper appreciation

With Mom and Dad in Hawaii I decided to stay in Oceanside with the kids. It's been a taste single parenthood, and boy oh boy is it crazy. Trying to take care of the baby, make sure Madi is ready for school and on top of her homework, making dinner, making lunch before Madi leaves for school...it's all quite a bit of work. All the more reason I think Lily will be an only child for at least a couple years, I'd really like to be finished with all my schooling.

It's been nice being home though. I've been able to spend time with the kids and my cousins. Presten and Tristen love seeing Lily, and it brightens my day to see how excited they are to interact with her. Lily was making noises and we asked Presten what she was saying, "She's saying how much she loves me, and it's a lot." I really hope we can spend more time in Oceanside, I want Lily to get to know my family and build relationships with them. Gotta call Grams today, hopefully she can come by to see Lily.

Just another day

By this time yesterday I had done laundry, started dinner, baked brownies, gone on a walk to the grocery store, and taken care of the baby...Today, not even close. Went on my walk this morning...usually that is the sign of a productive day, but that's really all of done. Now Lily has been asleep for almost two hours and I have hardly gotten anything done...just not motivated. Maybe Alyssa coming by will turn my day around.

Finally a quiet sleeping baby...

The last two days have been pretty trying on my emotions, patience, and body. Lily has been pretty high maintenance, which is unlike her. I had this plan on putting together a schedule and starting to get my lesson plans ready for when I go back to work...well that didn't exactly happen. Lily would only nap for twenty minutes at a time, not a whole lot of time to get anything done. So I didn't get any lesson planning finished, completed very little homework, and did one load of laundry...unproductive :/ Today I knew would be better, so far it is, but not by much. Lily didn't sleep well last night, just the same as during the day, she only slept for about twenty minutes at a time. Tried letting her cry herself back to sleep, but it's hard because we aren't the only ones her crying affects so I would end up getting up with her. By 5 I just left her in bed with me so that I could get some sleep otherwise I probably would've gone crazy. Lily woke up just as grumpy this morning. She played for maybe ten minutes then cried until I picked her up. Usually she loves sitting in her chair in the bathroom while I shower...the sound of the water always calms her...today that lasted a whole of two minutes. By ten she was yawning and oh so tired, but she wouldn't nap. I tried rocking her, giving her a pacifier, and eventually just left her in her crib to cry herself to sleep. After twenty minutes of crying and still no sleep I put her in her stroller and took her for a walk. Thirty minutes later we are in the living room. She is finally asleep, but I don't dare take her out of her stroller. I'm eating for the first time today, and hopefully I can get some phone calls, laundry, and homework in this time!...At least she's slept long enough for me to write this :)

Nap Time...

While Lily naps I am taking the opportunity to put together lesson plans before I go back to work. i love this part, putting activities together that will teach children while they are having fun. I am hoping to get one week finished every day...we'll see though that might be a stretch!